Someone…
1
Why didn’t she matter? Where did she fit in? What was wrong with her? She tried to be good to please her parents and her siblings and her teachers, but still, she felt like she didn’t matter to anyone. She never felt loved.
She grew up in a fairly large family of five natural children, two adopted children and three foster children. It was quite a different situation. Her father worked as a manager and in doing so, he made a pretty good salary. Her father received a very good bonus at Christmas time. With that bonus, her parents made sure that their children had a lovely Christmas. Some years later she learned that her father provided Hockey equipment for all the children in a particular orphanage.
2
The one thing she wanted most was for her parents to say that they loved her. Those were the only words she wanted to hear, but she never heard those words from her parents. She felt like she didn’t matter.
She thought school would be different. She tried to get the teachers to like her, but she was always made to sit in the back of the classroom, because she felt that no matter how hard she tried, she didn’t matter. She always felt lost. She was a loner because she felt like she didn’t matter to anyone. She hated school and couldn’t understand why she had to be on time for school when she didn’t matter. Every time she was late for school, she was sent to the principal’s office where she was punished, but it didn’t matter.
There were times when she wanted to run away, but at seventeen she met a boy who was kind and loving. He frequently told her how much he loved her. She believed him and she loved him too. At twenty-two, she married him. Her mother told her before she got married, that if there were any issues in the marriage, she should work them out herself. To her, she got the feeling that at home, she still didn’t matter. Still, she longed to be told that she mattered to someone. Just before she got married, her husband–to-be raped her. She was upset, but couldn’t talk about it.
3
She asked her father if she could cancel the marriage, but her father said she would have to return all the gifts and explain to people why she was not going through with the wedding. She knew she couldn’t do that so she went ahead with the wedding. As soon as the honeymoon was over, the trouble started. About a year after they married, she became pregnant, Unfortunately, she lost the baby. Instead of being sympathetic he told her to shut up and stop crying. She had several miscarriages and his reaction was always the same. She was told to get on with life. She never had a chance to mourn.
Her husband beat her routinely. He ran her down every opportunity he got. The mental abuse was just a prelude to what was to come. For years, he strangled her numerous times, he punched her in areas of the body that no one could see. He alienated her from everyone she knew. First it was her brothers, then her sisters, her friends, and finally her parents were the last to go.
From the beginning, he constantly lied to her about his whereabouts. Finally, she realized that no matter how hard she tried to please him, he hated her. She found out that he had been cheating on her with fifteen different women in their thirteen years of marriage. She knew that this was nothing she could fix, although she tried.
Because of all the stress, she became very ill. As soon as he found out that she was ill, he kicked her out and refused to take care of her. He lied and said he needed time to figure out what he wanted and that he would need about a month. She believed him. As the months ticked by, she realized that as soon as she left, he moved his girlfriend in. Her mind was made up. She filed for divorce. Soon another man entered her life. He was a kind and gentle man. She barely knew him. He told her that he lost his apartment and didn’t know what to do. She offered him to stay with her until he could find a place. He thanked her and stayed for over thirty years. They had become very close friends. No one believed they were just friends. But that’s all they were. There was no sex. He had explained to her that he was not capable.
4
She asked herself if that would be an issue and she knew it wouldn’t. She grew to love him deeply. Life with him was happy for both of them. The only problem was that he was irresponsible with money. She never made money an issue. As long as there was enough to pay the bills, she was happy. When he was seventy-two, he decided to move to a warmer climate. He moved to the Philippines’, met a woman and married her. He kept in touch with his best friend. Unfortunately, his wife poisoned him.
Alone again, she set out to find a cheaper home, a subsidized apartment. Never did she expect to fall in love again but six years later, by accident, she met a new resident. She knew instantly that he was special. She loved him, but she never felt like she mattered to him, or to anyone. A recent trip to the hospital changed the course of her life. Two people whom she loved and respected, came to visit her. Finally, she realized that she did matter to someone. Who is she? Someone… like me.