Theresa Lewis

Life’s most embarrassing moments in public… we’ve all had them where we wish a hole would open up and swallow us so we could escape that painful moment. You know what I’m talking about. It’s the unexpected sneeze in church when you don’t have a tissue with you and you realize that you’ve just sprayed boogers on the back of the person’s hair or clothing in front of you. Or, perhaps it was a stealthy, but lethal smelling fart that sneaked out the cuff of your pant leg. You hope that if you can control the blush, no one will know it was you.

As embarrassing as some situations can be, sometimes they are hysterically funny, especially when witnessing the event happening to someone else. I think it’s the sudden unexpected shock that makes me laugh.

The following story is both gross and funny at the same time… at least I thought so at the time. As a matter of fact, I still giggle whenever I think of it. I only dare to tell this story now that my dad and uncle are no longer with us.

Ever since I can remember, my dad had a habit of coughing up balls of green phlegm. He would protrude his lower lip and balance the lung rejects on his lip while he searched for a tissue. It was one of those things I grew up with, but I had never become used to it. I had learned not to look at him during a coughing episode because I knew the procedure and it would always make my stomach churn.

One day, my dad and his brother were going for an outing together. My dad, as usual, was dressed in his suit with a shirt and tie. He always dressed up and wore his fedora when going out.

My uncle was ready to go and was standing in front of my dad. As usual for my uncle, he was dressed very nicely, but casually. Instead of a suit jacket or sports coat, he wore a windbreaker over his shirt and had it zipped up to the half way point.

As soon as my dad stood up, he coughed as I was looking at both my uncle and my dad. My dad’s cough was instantly punctuated by what I refer to as a ‘giant green Meany’ that shot a good six inches from his mouth with the speed of a serpent’s tongue. It made a slight downward arc and almost made contact with my uncle’s chin.  It never actually went wild and it was still attached somewhere down in his lower lung. In the blink of an eye, it snapped back through his lips like a taut elastic. It kind of made a low whoosh sound as it escaped and a snap sound as it re-entered his oral cavity. For me, it was one of those slow-mo moments that makes you wonder if you actually saw what you think you saw.

My uncle, on the other hand, briefly scrunched his eyes shut. He was sure the giant green gob had landed on him somewhere, but he was too much of a gentleman to make a comment. Without looking down, he cautiously checked his jacket and his shirt by merely running his hand slowly over his chest.

My dad calmly picked up his hat and plopped it on his head and headed for the door. As my uncle followed him outside, I saw him looking down inside his jacket to make sure the green gob had not slid down inside between his shirt and his windbreaker. He even discretely checked out the legs of his pants and his feet. It was all I could do to keep from laughing until they were out of sight. Once they were out of sight, I exploded in laughter.

It grossed me out, but my uncle’s reaction really made me laugh. Actually, the whole incident made me laugh hysterically.

Even though my uncle wasn’t decorated that day, I noticed after that that he never stood directly in front of my dad again.

The End