Theresa Lewis

Now that I live on a fixed income, I have to be cautious about how I spend my money. I don’t dare try any “new” products on the market… you know, in case I don’t like the purchase then I would have to toss it away or give it away and lose my money.

 

I listen to what others have to say about “new” products and “new” foods. So far, that method has ended up saving me a small fortune. It has never failed me before, but the other day, all that changed.

 

I had heard about a new sauce that was a cross between mustard and chili. I tried it at my friend’s house one night when I spread the sauce on a hamburger. It was so delicious and spicy enough to perk up the taste buds to a point that I had a second burger slathered with the “sweet chili heat”. My friend was right… she knew I would love it and I certainly did.

 

When my friend told me about horseradish-mayo, I was anxious to try it. I am used to very hot chili spices because my husband was Indian and I did mostly Indian cooking during our thirty plus year marriage. I can take the gum stripping chili heat just like any Indian can. Oh, yes I can… I’m tough.

 

Well, I didn’t try the horseradish-mayo at my friend’s house. I bought my own jar of it. I could barely wait to make myself a roast beef sandwich and spread some of that good stuff on it.

 

It was an incredibly hot and humid day so I decided not to cook for supper. A sandwich was all I needed or wanted at that point. I guess I was a bit sloppy when I spread the horseradish-mayo on the bread because I got a gob of it on my thumb. Instinctively, I licked it off and that’s when my world almost ended.

 

The intense heat of it caused me to shriek and stomp around the kitchen while my eyebrows melted and slide off the sides of my face. My nostrils flared like a wild horse’s. My lips turned inside out and yards of drool spewed from the tip of my tongue and from my gaping oral cavity. My face turned purple. It caused me to beat my own head in an attempt to try to distract myself from the intense pain of the horseradish-mayo. Sweat spurted out of every pore on my anatomy. I was really afraid that the intensity of the heat would cause all my hair to fall out. Holy crap! That was the nastiest thing that I have ever allowed to pass between my lips.

When my raging had died down a little, I realized that I was staring at my roast beef sandwich on which I had liberally spread this demonic recipe from Hades. I opened the sandwich and scraped and scraped at it to remove any traces of horseradish-mayo. I did eat the sandwich in the end, but even though there was precious little horseradish-mayo left on it, it was still intense and I suffered through every single bite of it. I decided to gift the rest of the jar to my dear friend, the one who suggested that I would love it. Now, that is money well spent.

 

All new food products have taste testers. I would really like to meet the individual who passed this one on to unsuspecting people after doing the taste testing. I’m positive that that will never happen though, because I doubt that they can get that drooling bald bastard off the ceiling. President’s Choice taste testing lab won’t be needing a sprinkler system for a very long time.

 

THE END